What are some of the most common reasons couples come to therapy together

The main goal new clients cite when they call us is “communication.” That is a vague, catch all that often means they don’t feel heard or understood by their partner. They might also come for acute situations like substance abuse, parenting disagreements, infidelity or desire discrepancies.

What are the signs/red flags that it might be time to consider going to couple’s therapy? If you could list 4-8 signs, that would be brilliant please?

• Resentment between you causing you to be short or distant
• Avoiding one another to avoid more conflict
• Fantasizing about how it would be to be single or with someone else in particular
• Waking up feeling a sense of disconnection or ambivalence toward your partner
• Lack of desire or affection toward one another

Is it ever too late for couple’s therapy? Do you see couples whom you think are beyond therapy for their issues (i.e. they should consider separating instead)? How do you spot them?

I say it’s always worth a shot. If couples are willing to lay it all out on the table and be up front about their dissatisfaction and regrets, we can make good progress. If there is contempt or if one or both have moved on to be with other people, it’s much harder to repair the connection. Usually, couples who are walled off can come back if they feel seen and understood. Also, I find that those on the brink of divorce or separation have “nothing to lose” so they are motivated to work harder.

How should a person bring up the idea of attending couple’s therapy with their spouse?

They could suggest listening to a podcast that is psychologically minded or watching a show (Couples Therapy) or there are numerous card games to facilitate discussion (Esther Perel has Where Should We Begin). Or they could also just say, we keep having the same argument. I care about our relationship so let’s get some support to make this go better. Ideally no one is pointing fingers, but rather seeing it as a joint dynamic to refine or improve.

Are there any common misconceptions you’d like to correct about couple’s therapy?

It’s not a punishment! It can be a strength-based decision too. I suggest couples see therapy as way to enhance what works and finesse or address what doesn’t. Also, the therapist should be there to help you decide what you think is best for your relationship—not to keep you together or “save” your marriage.

What advice would you give to couples considering therapy?

Give it a try and don’t feel like you need to make a case. The therapist isn’t a judge, but rather they are there to help you see where you run amuck. They are there to reflect back dynamics and relational cycles that have become automatic, but aren’t necessarily healthy. Couples therapy is work, but it can enrich the relationship exponentially.