Communication and Conflict Resolution

A significant part of our knowledge, behavior (both conscious and unconscious), beliefs, and actions stems from our childhood experiences and what we observed growing up. Now, I understand what you might be thinking, “Why does every therapist seem to trace everything back to my childhood?” The truth is, only some things do. Many of our adult decisions are made consciously. However, our early caregivers and family environment profoundly shape our beliefs, behaviors, communication patterns, attachment styles, and approaches to conflict. This influence often becomes apparent during arguments in relationships, highlighting the importance of understanding your conflict style and knowing what you need to navigate disagreements effectively and maintain a healthy relationship.

Have you or your partner ever articulated that you need space during/after an argument, and it’s created more tension? If so, this article might offer some valuable insights for building understanding. Many couples find themselves in repetitive cycles of conflict that are difficult to break. Regardless of the topic, one person often seeks space while the other wants immediate resolution. This dynamic can lead to frustration and hurt feelings, as unresolved insecurities and resentments chip away at emotional safety in the relationship.

The issue of needing space during conflicts is a common concern in couples therapy. It’s not uncommon for one partner to feel desperate for resolution while the other feels overwhelmed and needs distance. This miscommunication can prolong the cycle of conflict, sometimes for years, until it reaches a breaking point. But rest assured, this is a challenge that many couples face and can overcome.

This dynamic can be exhausting, leaving both partners questioning the relationship’s viability and feeling emotionally drained. We’ve seen this cycle in countless relationships as a group of relationship experts and couples therapists. It’s rooted in our deep-seated fears of rejection and abandonment, often stemming from past experiences. Our instinctual responses to perceived threats can trigger this cycle even in loving relationships.

Recognizing this cycle is the first step to breaking it. Instead of blaming each other, try understanding the underlying fears driving your reactions. Why does your partner keep pushing to talk when you don’t want to? Or why has your partner taken space when you’re not done sharing how you feel? Maybe these responses come from a fear of abandonment because of past experiences or a need for self-preservation.

Understanding each other’s triggers can help you navigate conflicts more effectively, fostering growth and security in the relationship. While the cycle may not disappear entirely, you can learn to repair the damage and prevent recurring issues, sometimes with the help of a professional.

If your partner’s reaction to conflict is to withdraw or shut down, it’s essential to understand their perspective. They may fear confrontation due to past criticism or rejection or need time to process their thoughts and feelings. Recognizing these underlying reasons can help you approach conflicts with empathy and compassion, strengthening your bond as a couple. In moments of conflict, our brain can struggle to distinguish between a physical and perceived emotional threat, triggering responses like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Managing these reactions can be challenging. Your body will naturally return to its baseline state after about 20 to 30 minutes. Therefore, taking space during conflicts with your partner can be a beneficial and healthy way to allow emotions to settle and regain perspective. Conversely, taking appropriate time or space after a conflict is crucial to address and resolve the issue. Prolonging this period can cause the partner seeking resolution to feel abandoned, neglected, or unheard.

Knowing your partner’s background and approach to resolving conflicts can pave the way for more constructive communication and a stronger relationship. If you find that these issues persist, there are great resources out there that offer insight and education on this topic, one of those being Esther Perel’s “Turning Conflict Into Connection” series. Additionally, seeking couples counseling can offer valuable support and guidance before they affect your self-esteem and the health of your relationship. Our team includes therapists specializing in couples therapy and is dedicated to supporting you through this journey.