Understanding Anticipatory Grief: What It Is and How to Cope

When we think of grief, we usually imagine it happening after a loss, after a loved one dies or something important ends. But grief doesn’t always wait. For many, it starts long before the actual loss occurs. This emotional process is known as anticipatory grief.

In this post, we’ll explore what anticipatory grief looks like, what you might expect, and what may surprise you along the way. Whether you’re facing your own terminal illness or preparing for the loss of someone you love, understanding anticipatory grief can help you navigate this difficult time with more compassion and clarity.

What Is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief is the emotional pain we experience when we know a significant loss is coming. It’s most commonly felt by people who are:

• Caring for a loved one with a terminal illness

• Watching a loved one decline from conditions like dementia

• Coping with their own life-limiting diagnosis

Rather than grieving what’s already gone, anticipatory grief involves mourning what will be lost—the future memories, milestones, and daily experiences you’ll no longer share.

You may grieve birthdays that will be missed, conversations that won’t happen, or simply the way things used to be. And this kind of grief is just as real and valid as the grief felt after a death.

What Does Anticipatory Grief Feel Like?

Anticipatory grief often shows up in complex and conflicting ways. You might feel:

• Sadness over what’s changing and what lies ahead

• Guilt, especially if you catch yourself feeling relief at the thought of an end to suffering

• Anger at the situation, at yourself, or even at your loved one

• Anxiety about the future or about how you’ll cope

• Mood swings, numbness, or trouble concentrating

• Relief if you’ve been caregiving and are physically/emotionally exhausted

These emotional reactions are completely natural. Grief, whether before or after loss, is not linear and doesn’t follow a tidy timeline. You might find yourself moving through waves of emotion, sometimes feeling several things at once. This is all normal, and you are not alone.

What May Surprise You About Anticipatory Grief

1. It doesn’t “replace” post-loss grief.
Even if you’ve spent weeks or months grieving before the loss, it doesn’t mean you’ll grieve less afterward. In some cases, anticipatory grief deepens your bond with the person, making the final goodbye even more painful.

2. You might grieve things that seem small.
A shared morning coffee, their laugh or smile, the comfort of a familiar routine… these daily moments can carry tremendous emotional weight. Mourning them is part of the process.

3. You may feel like the person is “already gone.”
Especially if your loved one has dementia, is unconscious, or their personality has significantly changed, you may feel like you’re losing them in stages. This can cause grief to feel prolonged and confusing.

4. It can feel isolating.
Because anticipatory grief isn’t as openly acknowledged as grief after a death, your emotions might feel misunderstood or even invalidated. You may find yourself feeling anxious for your loved one to pass, perhaps because they are suffering or because you are emotionally and physically exhausted. These feelings can be difficult to express, especially when you fear being judged. Well-meaning people might say, “At least they’re still here,” not realizing how painful it is to witness the slow decline of someone you love. You might also avoid talking about it because you do not fully understand what is happening yourself, especially when the prognosis or timeline is uncertain.

How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

There’s no right way to grieve, but there are helpful strategies that can support you during this time:

Talk About It

Confide in a trusted friend, therapist, or support group. Verbalizing your feelings can ease some of the emotional pressure and help you feel less alone. If you’re located in Santa Barbara, Hospice of SB is a great local resource free to anyone experiencing the impact of serious illness or grieving the death of a loved one.

Create Space for Ritual

If you practice a religion or spiritual tradition, now may be the time to lean into those practices. Lighting candles, praying, or honoring ancestors can offer grounding and continuity during uncertain times.

Prioritize Self-Care

Try to maintain a regular meal schedule, gentle movement, and rest as much as possible. Even light exercise, like walking, can help release tension and improve your mood. This may feel difficult when you’re providing constant care for a loved one, but without these small acts of self-care, the risk of burnout increases. It’s okay to decline social plans, skip intense workouts, and rely on convenience foods. The less pressure you put on yourself right now, the better.

Journal Your Feelings

Writing can be a powerful outlet for processing your thoughts. Try exploring what you’re grieving, what you’re afraid of, and what you’re grateful for in this moment.

Share Moments, Big and Small

If you’re able, find simple ways to connect with your loved one while you still can. You might look through photo albums, share memories, or just sit together in quiet companionship. If your loved one is bedridden, small gestures like giving a foot massage, singing familiar songs, or spending time with a pet (some hospitals allow pet visits) can bring comfort. These moments, however small, may become meaningful memories you carry with you later.

Seek Professional Support

Anticipatory grief can be overwhelming. If you find yourself struggling to function day-to-day, speak with a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe place to explore complex feelings and receive tools for coping. We are here for you.

Final Thoughts: Grieve in Your Own Way

Anticipatory grief is both painful and profound. It’s a reflection of your love, your care, and your humanity. Feeling a wide range of emotions doesn’t mean you’re doing it “wrong,” it means you’re grieving.

Recognizing anticipatory grief for what it is can be the first step in healing. There is support available. You don’t have to wait until after a loss to reach out for help.

Whether you are a caregiver, a loved one, or the person facing your own mortality, permit yourself to feel. And remember: grief is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of love.