If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner are caught in a frustrating cycle—where one of you wants closeness while the other pulls away, you might be experiencing the anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic. Often described as a “dance,” this pattern of emotional pursuit and withdrawal can leave both partners feeling misunderstood and disconnected, even if they care deeply about each other.

Understanding how this dynamic works is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle. In this post, we’ll explore what anxious and avoidant attachment styles are, why this pairing is so common, how it forms, and what can be done to move toward healthier, more secure relationships.

What Are Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory, first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby, teaches us that the way we relate to others in adulthood is shaped by the bonds we formed in childhood, particularly with our primary caregivers. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman (creators of The Gottman Method) suggest that our sense of self and the way we view others are shaped by how consistently our early caregivers met our physical and emotional needs. In adulthood, these attachment patterns are often activated in our romantic relationships.

People with anxious attachment tend to crave emotional closeness and fear abandonment. They often feel preoccupied with the relationship and may worry excessively about their partner’s love or commitment. Their emotional world can feel intense and unpredictable, especially when they don’t receive the reassurance they need.

In contrast, those with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence and self-reliance. Emotional closeness can feel threatening to their sense of autonomy, leading them to withdraw or shut down when the relationship becomes too intense. They may come across as distant or unavailable, especially during conflict or times of vulnerability.

Psychologist Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, explains that avoidantly attached individuals “equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.” Meanwhile, Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasizes that “we are never more emotional than when our primary love relationships are threatened”—a statement that captures the inner world of the anxiously attached.

How to Recognize the Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic

The anxious-avoidant dynamic is often described as a push-pull pattern. The anxious partner reaches out, seeking reassurance, connection, or emotional intimacy. The avoidant partner, feeling overwhelmed or intruded upon, retreats to maintain space. The more the anxious partner pursues, the more the avoidant partner distances—creating a loop of mutual misunderstanding and frustration.

If you often feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough” in your relationship, or if arguments leave one partner feeling abandoned and the other feeling trapped, this attachment dynamic is likely at play. Over time, both individuals may begin to internalize negative beliefs about themselves or their relationship, reinforcing the cycle.

Why Is This Dynamic So Common?

Anxiously and avoidantly attached people are often drawn to each other because their nervous systems respond in opposite but strangely compatible ways. Anxious individuals seek the emotional intensity that avoidant individuals unconsciously provide by being elusive. At the same time, avoidant individuals may initially be drawn to the openness and emotionality of their anxious counterparts, only to later feel overwhelmed by it.

Although the pairing often starts with a strong sense of chemistry or excitement, the very qualities that attract these partners to each other can become the source of conflict. The anxious partner may feel constantly rejected or dismissed, while the avoidant partner may feel criticized or smothered. The result is a relationship full of highs and lows, with little space for emotional safety or true vulnerability.

How Do These Attachment Styles Form?

Our attachment styles are shaped early in life based on how our caregivers responded to our emotional needs. Anxious attachment often develops in environments where love and attention were inconsistent, sometimes warm and nurturing, other times distant or unavailable. Children in these settings learn to amplify their emotional expressions to get their needs met.

Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, tends to form in households where emotional expression was discouraged or ignored. These children learn to suppress their emotional needs, believing that showing vulnerability leads to disappointment or rejection. As adults, they may maintain emotional distance as a form of self-protection.

John Bowlby believed that “the propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature.” When those bonds are disrupted or unreliable, our strategies for connection become shaped by fear, anxiety, or avoidance.

How to Work Through the Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic

The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With insight, effort, and support (a great use of therapy!), both individuals can move toward secure attachment, which is marked by mutual trust, emotional safety, and open communication.

The first step is awareness. Begin by noticing when the dynamic is playing out, without judgment. What triggers your need for closeness or your urge to withdraw? Journaling, reading about attachment theory, or talking with a therapist can be helpful ways to explore these patterns.

For anxiously attached individuals, healing often involves learning how to self-soothe, express needs directly, and build internal security rather than relying solely on the relationship for validation. For avoidantly attached individuals, growth often comes through practicing vulnerability, staying emotionally engaged during conflict, and recognizing that closeness doesn’t have to mean losing independence.

Because this dynamic is rooted in nervous system responses, mindfulness and regulation tools, such as deep breathing, grounding techniques, or somatic therapy, can be essential for staying present and connected in triggering moments.

Working with an attachment-informed couples therapist can also be transformative. Therapies like EFT or Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help both partners explore their emotional triggers, slow down reactive patterns, and develop new ways of relating. As therapist and researcher Stan Tatkin reminds us, “We are hurt in relationship and we heal in relationship.”

Final Thoughts

The anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic can feel like a painful cycle of miscommunication and unmet needs. But with understanding, compassion, and commitment, it’s possible to shift toward deeper connection and emotional security. You’re not alone in this! We often work with couples struggling with these patterns, and support is available. Learning to understand your attachment style and that of your partner isn’t just helpful. It’s the foundation for creating lasting, fulfilling relationships.

Looking for a therapist trained in attachment theory or The Gottman Method? Reach out to begin the journey toward healing.

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Shannon Fennell

Shannon is a therapist here at Riviera Therapy. She takes an integrative approach rooted in early attachment and emotional patterns. A Certified Sex Therapy Informed Professional (CSTIP), she is trained in the Gottman Method and EMDR, and works with individuals, couples, and families navigating a wide range of issues including adoption, trauma, relationships, identity, and neurodiversity. With an international background and a commitment to inclusivity, Shannon creates a compassionate, non-judgmental space for healing and growth.