FANOS Couples Check In

FANOS: Couples Sharing Exercise

I often give this exercise to couples who come to see me for therapy. They want to connect with one another, but benefit from some structure. I love FANOS because it starts with asking participants to offer up a few feelings. This really softens participants towards one another. You can’t argue with feelings. It helps them each have some curiosity as they start to understand what each of them are coming in with. Often times, I find that they are, experiencing multiple feelings at the same time that might not have been obvious. As they start to navigate through the exercise, people become more engaged and open.

FANOS couples sharing exercise is an acronym derived from a Greek word meaning “to shed light on” or “to bring to light.” It provides a way for a couples to connect emotionally and to build intimacy (intimacy = “into me you see” and you accept me anyways).

Each letter of the acronym represents a subject you will talk about together:

• Feelings: Share with your partner a feeling you have. (You may use a list of feelings if it could help you identify feelings).
• Affirmations: Affirm your partner for something she has done.
• Needs: State a need you have today (not necessarily one that must be met by your partner).
• Ownership: Take responsibility and apologize for something you have said or done.
• Struggles/Sobriety: Here you have an opportunity to tell your partner the status of your struggles with sobriety or recovery today. Be specific but not graphic. This can include recovery from substance, food, gambling, sexual compulsivity, codependency or general life struggles (raging, criticizing, obsessing, withdrawing, etc.).

One of you will begin the check-in and run through the entire FANOS; then the other will do the same. When you share your FANOS, it is important that the other person provide a safe environment. Their role is simply to listen–not really give feedback.

Here is an example of FANOS from a partner:

• Feelings: I’m exhausted by the renovation and proud of us for all the cleaning we have done. I’m sad about my dad’s health.
• Affirmations: I want to thank you for mowing the lawn and picking up dinner.
• Needs: I need to not cook tonight and order in.
• Ownership: I own that I talk about work too much. I can try to wrap things up before I come home so we can have more connected time.
• Struggles/Sobriety: I’ve practiced healthy eating habits all day. I’ve had some cravings, but I stuck to my plan.

Some couples make their way through this check in in about 5 to 10 minutes. Other couples take 30 minutes because they really elaborate on each of the elements. Leads to more conversation kind of really Rich interaction. It’s up to you. It is meant to help you feel more connected to self and one another.

If you need support, reach out and we can connect you with a therapist at www.Rivieratherapy.com.