How Therapy Can Support Birth Parents After Adoption: Healing and Emotional Support

Adoption is an incredibly emotional and complex process for all involved, particularly for birth parents*.  After choosing adoption, birth parents may experience a range of emotions, including grief, shame, anxiety, grief, and isolation. While the choosing adoption can be motivated by love and the hope for a better future for the child, the emotional aftermath is often overwhelming. In these moments, therapy can be an invaluable resource to help birth parents process their feelings, heal emotionally, and build a supportive community.

In this blog, we’ll explore how therapy can provide crucial support for birth parents after adoption, focusing on healing, combating feelings of shame and isolation, and offering emotional guidance. We’ll also look at different types of therapy, including EMDR and ACT, which have been proven to aid people in working through feelings like grief, shame, and more.

*In this blog, I will use the term “birth parent” to be inclusive of all gender identities, recognizing that not everyone identifies as a “mother” or “father.” Additionally, I want to emphasize that adoption can bring up complex emotions for both parents, including the one who did not physically give birth to the child.

Considering Why the Parent Chose Adoption

Choosing adoption is one of the most difficult choices a birth parent can make, and there is a multitude of reasons why a parent chooses adoption. Birth parents may choose adoption for a variety of deeply personal reasons, such as the desire to provide a better future for their child, financial instability, or feeling unprepared for parenthood. Some believe adoption offers their child a more stable and supportive home, particularly if they face health challenges, difficult family dynamics, or personal circumstances that make parenting difficult. In some cases, birth parents may feel pressured to pursue adoption due to societal expectations, religious taboos (such as giving birth out of wedlock), or systemic barriers like limited access to social services due to racism, ableism, and/or classism. Ultimately, many birth parents choose adoption out of love and the hope of giving their child the best opportunities for a fulfilling life.

Therapy can play a critical role in helping birth parents reflect on this decision and understand their motivations. Often, birth parents may grapple with feelings of guilt, questioning whether they made the right choice.

Therapy can provide a safe space for birth parents to explore these emotions, allowing them to understand and accept their decision. Attachment therapy, which focuses on the bonds formed between individuals, can help birth parents process their attachment to their child and reconcile the complex feelings that come with choosing adoption. In therapy, birth parents can work through feelings of love and loss while reaffirming their choice. 

Therapy also helps birth parents embrace self-compassion. Acknowledging that their decision was based on the information, perspective, and circumstances they had at the time can help with healing and foster a healthier self-identity.

Fighting Shame: Overcoming the Stigma of Adoption

One of the most pervasive emotions for birth parents after adoption is shame. Society often places a stigma on birth parents who choose adoption, and this can result in self-blame and feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and sometimes regret. Therapy is essential in helping birth parents combat these feelings. Choosing adoption can be traumatic. 

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be particularly effective in addressing deep-rooted trauma. This type of therapy helps individuals process distressing memories by using bilateral stimulation to reframe negative beliefs about themselves. Through EMDR, birth parents can confront and release the shame they may feel about their adoption decision, ideally leading to emotional relief and greater self-acceptance. Therapists can also work with birth parents on reframing their beliefs around adoption, encouraging them to see the decision as an act of courage. 

Fighting Isolation: Connecting with Others Who Understand

After adoption, many birth parents feel isolated in their experience. They may not feel comfortable sharing their feelings with friends or family who haven’t gone through the adoption process. This sense of isolation can be emotionally draining and can hinder healing.

Therapy can help birth parents understand the importance of community and connection. Relational-cultural therapy, which emphasizes the importance of relationships and mutual connection for personal growth, can be a powerful tool in helping birth parents build meaningful connections with others who understand their journey. This theory helps birth parents explore how relationships can be a source of strength and healing.

Therapists can guide birth parents to find support groups or communities where they can connect with others who have similar experiences. These groups provide a sense of belonging, reduce isolation, and help birth parents realize they are not alone.

Creating Support and Building a Community

Building a support network is crucial for birth parents after adoption. Therapy can help birth parents recognize the importance of seeking emotional support from trusted friends, family members, and mental health professionals. A strong support system can help birth parents feel understood, cared for, and less alone in their experiences.

Therapists can assist birth parents in systemic therapy, which focuses on understanding family dynamics, cultural considerations, societal expectations, and improving communication within relationships. This type of therapy can help birth parents rebuild relationships with loved ones who may not fully understand adoption or the emotional struggles they’re experiencing. It can also assist in finding healthier ways to communicate with others and set boundaries when necessary.

In some cases, therapy can also equip birth parents with tools to build supportive and loving relationships with their child’s adoptive parents, when allowed. 

Caring for a Parent Post-Birth: Self-Care After Adoption

Postpartum care is essential for all parents, but it’s often overlooked for birth parents who place a child for adoption. While they may not have the task of caring for the newborn, parents who give birth have just completed a pretty incredible feat. Regardless of adoption, giving birth can be incredibly traumatizing. According to the National Institutes of Health, up to 45% of new mothers experience birth trauma—and the effects can continue long after the birth itself. The emotional toll of this experience is significant, and it’s important for birth parents to prioritize self-care during their healing process. However, it must be noted that there is simply not enough social support and services to aid birth parents in this recovery.

Therapy can provide birth parents with strategies for practicing self-compassion and prioritizing their well-being. This may involve creating new routines, practicing self-care, focusing on personal healing, and allowing themselves to feel a range of emotions without judgment. Therapy can also encourage birth parents to engage in activities that promote emotional and physical health, such as mindfulness.

A therapist can work with birth parents to address emotional challenges such as grief and loss while encouraging them to care for their own mental and physical health. The goal is to help birth parents recognize that they, too, deserve care and attention as they navigate the post-adoption process.

Anxiety About the Care and Future of the Child: Using ACT to Cope

After choosing adoption, birth parents often experience significant anxiety about the child’s future and well-being. Worrying about whether the child is being cared for properly, whether the adoption was the right choice, and how their child will grow up can be overwhelming.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is particularly helpful for addressing anxiety and intrusive thoughts. ACT encourages birth parents to accept their feelings of worry without letting them dominate their lives. Instead of trying to control the uncontrollable, ACT helps birth parents focus on living according to their core values, such as compassion, love, and personal growth.

ACT also teaches birth parents to be present in the moment, reducing anxiety by focusing on what they can control in their own lives, such as personal healing, relationships, and emotional health.

Conclusion

The journey of being a birth parent after adoption can be filled with a rollercoaster of emotions, but therapy provides a vital lifeline for healing. From understanding the decision to choose adoption to overcoming shame, trauma, isolation, and anxiety, therapy can offer essential tools for emotional healing and growth. 

If you’re a birth parent navigating the emotional landscape post-adoption, seeking therapy can help you process your feelings, find community, and take steps toward healing. There are amazing support groups available to support you, one being MPower Alliance. You don’t have to go through this alone—therapy can be a vital step toward reclaiming your emotional well-being and building a supportive, joy-filled future.