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adhd

Hello! My name is Shannon Fennell, and I’m a therapist at Riviera Therapy who works closely with people navigating ADHD, both those who have it and their partners. Just because ADHD is part of a relationship doesn’t mean it explains everything, and it definitely doesn’t mean the ADHD partner is the problem. Still, there’s one pattern I see almost every single day, and it’s time we talk about it.

When we talk about ADHD, most people think of focus, attention, or organization. But there’s another layer that often goes unseen, and it can deeply affect our relationships: rejection sensitivity.

For many adults with ADHD, intimacy isn’t just about emotional closeness or physical connection; it’s about safety. And when rejection sensitivity (or RSD: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) is part of the picture, even small moments of feedback, disinterest, or a simple “not right now” can feel like a full-body threat to that safety.

What Is Rejection Sensitivity?

Rejection sensitivity is the heightened emotional response to perceived criticism, disapproval, or rejection. It’s not just being “sensitive.” For someone with ADHD, it can feel visceral, like a punch to the gut.

Research and lived experience show that people with ADHD often have a more reactive nervous system. They may move quickly between emotional states and feel emotions more intensely. So when a partner says, “I’m tired tonight,” or “Can we talk about that later?”, the ADHD brain might hear, You’re too much, or I’m not enough.

How This Impacts Intimacy

Sexual and emotional intimacy thrives on openness and safety. But rejection sensitivity can quietly pull couples apart.

Emily Nagoski, in her work on sexual response and in her book Come As You Are, talks about the concept of “accelerators” and “brakes.” Accelerators are the things that turn us on, emotionally or physically: connection, affection, safety, novelty. Brakes, on the other hand, are the things that turn us off: stress, criticism, fear of rejection, or feeling undesired.

For someone with ADHD, rejection sensitivity can hit the brakes fast.

Let’s take a few examples:

Case Example 1: Alex and Sam
Alex (who has ADHD) often initiates affection in the evenings. Sam, after a long day, sometimes says, “Can we cuddle tomorrow?” Alex feels their chest tighten. Their brain goes straight to They don’t want me anymore. Instead of seeing it as a tired moment, Alex withdraws emotionally and physically. That night, they both feel distant, unsure how to reconnect.

What’s happening here isn’t a lack of desire! It’s an unseen activation of the brakes. Rejection sensitivity makes it hard for Alex to stay regulated and remember: Sam’s “no” isn’t about me. It’s about their energy in this moment.

Case Example 2: Jordan and Taylor
Taylor asks Jordan (who has ADHD) to be more mindful during sex: less distracted, more present. Jordan feels instantly defensive. “So I’m not good enough? Everything I do is wrong.” They shut down. For Jordan, the feedback lands as rejection, not as an invitation to deepen connection. Both partners leave the conversation feeling hurt and misunderstood.

Case Example 3: Riley and Morgan

Riley, who has ADHD, initiates intimacy with excitement and tries something new. Morgan, their neurotypical partner, feels uncomfortable and says, “Can we stop? I don’t like that.” Riley immediately shuts down. What Morgan means as honest communication lands for Riley as rejection and shame. They withdraw, and both partners feel disconnected. Without awareness of how rejection sensitivity plays a role, moments meant to protect safety and comfort can unintentionally create distance.

Why Awareness Matters

Without understanding how ADHD and rejection sensitivity work together, couples can easily misinterpret each other.

  • The neurotypical partner might see withdrawal as disinterest.

  • The ADHD partner might see feedback as rejection.

  • Both feel less safe, and intimacy quietly erodes.

Acknowledging rejection sensitivity doesn’t mean walking on eggshells. It means building awareness and compassion around the nervous system dance that happens between two people.

How to Rebuild Intimacy with ADHD in the Mix

  1. Name What’s Happening. When you can say, “My rejection sensitivity just got triggered,” you create space to pause and repair before reacting.

  2. Slow Down Feedback. Neurotypical partners can frame requests gently: “I love when you [positive], and I’d also love it if we could try [new thing].” It can also sound like, “Hey, I know you’re trying to connect right now, but [insert action] is making me uncomfortable. It’s not about you, it’s [sensation] that doesn’t feel good in/on my body.”

  3. Use Mindfulness and Co-Regulation. Before assuming rejection, notice the sensations in your body: tight chest, quick breath, urge to pull away. Try grounding or deep breathing before responding.

  4. Repair Quickly. If a misunderstanding happens, return to the connection: “I know I got defensive. It wasn’t about you; it’s my rejection sensitivity.” For the neurotypical partner, this can sound like, “I understand how my feedback may have sounded critical. I can assure you it wasn’t about you.”

  5. Therapy Can Help. A therapist familiar with ADHD and relational dynamics can help partners understand these cycles and reestablish trust and closeness.

The Takeaway

ADHD doesn’t make someone bad at intimacy. It just means their emotional world runs on a different frequency. When rejection sensitivity is misunderstood, it can lead to distance. When it’s named and supported, it can lead to profound empathy, vulnerability, and closeness.

The heart of intimacy isn’t perfection; it’s being known. And when partners can say, “I see your sensitivity, and I’m not going anywhere,” that’s where real connection begins. 

If you’re struggling with these dynamics in your relationship, you don’t have to navigate them alone. Reach out for individual or couples support to learn strategies for connection and understanding. You can also join my support group designed specifically for individuals in relationships with someone who has ADHD, where you’ll find guidance, shared experiences, and tools to strengthen intimacy and communication.

Shannon is a therapist here at Riviera Therapy. She takes an integrative approach rooted in early attachment and emotional patterns. A Certified Sex Therapy Informed Professional (CSTIP), she is trained in the Gottman Method and EMDR, and works with individuals, couples, and families navigating a wide range of issues including adoption, trauma, relationships, identity, and neurodiversity. With an international background and a commitment to inclusivity, Shannon creates a compassionate, non-judgmental space for healing and growth.

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