How Difficult Conversations Can Lead to Surprising Benefits

In my work, I often sit with clients and will hear one of them say, “I had no idea you felt this way.” In our society, it’s become normal to hold on to what we’re thinking and feeling, and relationships are no exception. People choose not to share how they feel for a multitude of reasons: we don’t share because we don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, we’re scared of the outcome, we genuinely don’t know how to accurately articulate how we feel, or perhaps we’re afraid of judgment. 

Hard conversations don’t get easier by avoiding them; in fact, they become even more difficult as we spend more time ruminating on them. Sometimes, we even create a whole narrative about the conversation and outcome before even talking to the person. I hear clients say, “I just spiraled starting to think about it!” When we avoid hard things, our mind becomes more and more fearful of said things. But similar to doing hard physical things like yoga or weightlifting, for example, the more we do it, the more we create the muscle and tolerance to sit endure uncomfortable positions. The brain works similarly. The more you practice having healthy, difficult conversations, the less likely it is that your brain will begin to fear them. You’re signalling to your brain that you are resilient.

When we think about the outcomes of difficult conversations, our brain rarely imagines anything but negative outcomes. But have you ever asked yourself what it would look like to have a positive outcome? I’ve sat with couples where I’ve heard a partner share a difficult feeling, and to their surprise, the other partner says, “I’m glad you told me that,” or “I actually feel the same way,” or “I don’t feel that way but let’s work on finding a way to meet in the middle.” Imagine if we could focus on how expressing ourselves has the potential to improve our relationships and how relieving it would be to get things off our chest.

Honesty and communication are the foundation for a strong and healthy relationship, whether platonic or intimate. We need to learn to be honest with one another, even if it feels really hard. So how do you have those conversations without losing the relationship? 

Have tough conversations sooner rather than later. When you feel bothered or irritated, speak up, but if you need to, give yourself time to cool down before addressing it. Waiting too long can lead to resentment, especially if multiple instances of the same issue have built up.

Manage your expectations by staying optimistic but realistic—understand the other person may not want to change. Some believe that expectations lead to disappointment. So, instead of setting an expectation, set an intention. What do you want to accomplish? Is it to clear the air? Find peace? Plan what you’ll say, focusing on your feelings and desired outcomes. Keep in mind that the person you’re communicating with may not want to change their mind or behavior. Plan for that too. 

Don’t dwell on their reasons. People may not always understand why they acted a certain way, especially if it’s the first time you’re addressing it. If there’s a particular behavior/pattern/dynamic that’s affecting your relationship that you can’t get to the bottom of, couples therapy is a great way to get outside perspective in a safe and contained space.

Keep it brief—stick to one issue and avoid going off-topic. If the other person brings up other matters, steer them back to the main point. Some couples therapists recommend keeping the conversation contained by setting a timer (maybe for 30 minutes) to help the conversation stay on course.

Embrace the discomfort. Hard conversations can feel tough in the moment, but they often lead to better understanding and improved relationships. Avoiding them only creates distance. In our society, we’re taught to avoid discomfort and find easy “fixes,” but it’s when we find sustainable solutions that we can truly release ourselves from the discomfort for good.