Hi there! I’m Shannon Fennell, a therapist here at Riviera Therapy, and I run a group specifically for partners of individuals with ADHD. Why? Being a partner in an ADHD relationship can feel isolating, confusing, and sometimes overwhelming. ADHD isn’t just about hyperactivity or trouble focusing—it’s complex, emotional, and impacts relationships in ways that many people don’t see.
That’s exactly why I created this blog series. Just like my group, it’s designed to normalize your experiences, build connections, share insights, and offer perspective. Each week, I will share what we discussed in the group and include examples, resources, and ideas. I hope that it helps you feel seen, understood, and supported—and that it brings more joy and ease into both your life and your partner’s.
Volume One: Living in the ADHD Orbit: What Partners Really Experience
Being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD can be joyful, loving, and exciting—but it can also feel lonely, confusing, and emotionally exhausting. Many of the challenges aren’t obvious to outsiders, and partners often feel isolated because it’s hard to explain how these dynamics play out in day-to-day life.
Here are some common experiences, along with scenarios that illustrate what they feel like in practice.
Rejection Sensitivity: Walking on Eggshells
Imagine you gently suggest, “Could you help fold the laundry?” and your partner immediately looks hurt, frustrated, or snaps back. You feel like you’ve done something wrong, even though your request was normal. That’s rejection sensitivity in action. ADHD can amplify perceived criticism, making small requests or feedback feel like a personal attack. Partners often find themselves overthinking every word, anxious about triggering an emotional reaction.
The Criticism/Defense Cycle
You remind your partner about an appointment. They respond defensively, “I know, I’ll handle it!”—but then they forget again. You feel unheard, so you remind them once more, and the defensiveness escalates. Hours later, both of you are frustrated, feeling disconnected, and wondering why small issues always become arguments. This cycle is exhausting and can make even loving partners feel emotionally drained.
Object Permanence and Feeling Invisible
ADHD can affect the ability to keep things “in mind” when they’re not right in front of you. For example, you tell your partner about a difficult day at work, hoping for comfort, and they completely forget by the evening. You may feel invisible, unimportant, or overlooked—but your partner didn’t mean to dismiss you. These experiences can build up over time, leaving partners feeling alone even within a committed relationship.
Medication: A Partner’s Perspective
Medication can bring noticeable improvements in focus and mood, but it can also create uncertainty. Perhaps your partner is more present and organized one week, but irritable or fatigued the next. Watching these fluctuations can feel like being on an emotional rollercoaster—you want to celebrate the progress but also cope with the side effects. Communication about what’s working (and what isn’t) is key to supporting both partners.
Avoiding Personalization of ADHD Behaviors
It’s easy to feel hurt when your partner interrupts, forgets, or seems distracted. You might think, “They don’t care about me,” but these behaviors are often symptoms of ADHD, not reflections of love or commitment. For example, your partner might zone out mid-conversation because their brain was pulled in multiple directions, not because they’re ignoring you. Recognizing the difference can reduce resentment and help maintain a connection.
Managing Lack of Attention and Overstimulation
Picture this: You’re talking about something important, and your partner checks their phone mid-sentence. It stings—you feel unheard. Yet the ADHD partner might be overstimulated by noise, background activity, or internal thoughts, making sustained focus difficult. Both partners need space to recognize these limits: your need to be seen, their need to regulate attention. Without this balance, feelings of disconnection can grow.
Feeling the Imbalance of Care
You may find yourself organizing, reminding, supporting, and caregiving—often more than your partner. When acts of care aren’t reciprocated, it can feel lonely and emotionally exhausting. You might ask for help with dinner or household chores and feel ignored when your partner forgets or overlooks your requests. Over time, this imbalance can create resentment, even when you deeply love your partner.
Resources
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ADHD & Us: A Couple’s Guide to Loving and Living With Adult ADHD by Anita Robertson (book) – Insights specifically for partners navigating ADHD relationships.
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How to ADHD: An Insider’s Guide to Working with Your Brain by Jessica McCabe (book) – Practical strategies for understanding ADHD in daily life.
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How to ADHD on Being Well with Forrest Hanson + Dr. Rick Hanson (podcast episode) – Discusses ADHD in partnerships and well-being.
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Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder by Dr. Gabor Maté (book)– Explores ADHD from a neurological and emotional perspective.
Being a partner to someone with ADHD can be isolating and challenging—but it can also be incredibly meaningful. Understanding these dynamics, giving yourself grace, and accessing resources can help you navigate moments of frustration while maintaining love, empathy, and connection.
