One of the most frequent reasons people come to see me as a sex therapist is to…
More than Just the End of the “Honeymoon Phase”: Understanding Breakups Through Biological, Psychological, and Social Factors
Written by Erin Kownacki, AMFT
The end of a relationship can evoke a wide range of emotions, often leaving individuals feeling confused and overwhelmed. In my work as a therapist, breakups are a frequent reason for clients seeking therapy, many of whom struggle to make sense of their emotional rollercoaster. Observing the commonalities among my clients’ experiences and the relative lack of in-depth research on the multifaceted effects of breakups, I began to ask: What makes breakups so painful and challenging? What influences do biological, psychological, and social factors have when an intimate relationship ends?
A video by a therapist on Instagram (@mind.psy.guidance) got me thinking more deeply about how we perceive and process breakups. The therapist in the video discussed some underexplored aspects of breakups from a psychological perspective, which I will break down in this article. It inspired me to research what happens to us—biologically, emotionally, and socially—when a relationship ends and how understanding these dynamics can inform new ways to support clients through this challenging process.
It’s important to note that these processes don’t occur in isolation. When a relationship ends, individuals often experience all three processes simultaneously: biological withdrawal, psychological grief, and a shift in social identity. The complexity of these overlapping experiences can leave individuals feeling lost or even overwhelmed by the fluctuating nature of their symptoms. Understanding these factors can help clinicians and individuals navigate the rugged terrain of breakup recovery.
The Biological Impact: Love as a Drug
You’ve probably heard the phrase “love is a drug,” and there’s a surprising amount of biological truth to it. When we fall in love, our brains undergo a cascade of biochemical reactions, much like someone addicted to a substance. Oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin levels surge, creating a euphoria that stems from emotional and physical intimacy.
As a relationship deepens, these “feel-good” chemicals are consistently stimulated, reinforcing the bond. When a breakup occurs, we may go through withdrawal—not unlike withdrawal from a drug. This isn’t just about missing the person; it’s a physiological response where the brain craves the chemicals it has been accustomed to producing in response to the relationship. Research has even shown that brain scans of individuals going through breakups can resemble those of individuals withdrawing from cocaine.
During this withdrawal phase, heightened symptoms of anxiety, depression, and even physical discomfort can emerge. This helps explain why breakups often feel unbearable and overwhelming—it’s not just emotional but deeply physiological.
The Psychological Impact: Breakup as Grief
Grief is commonly associated with death, but we often forget that breakups also entail a profound sense of loss. When a relationship ends, we are grieving the person and the future we envisioned with them, our emotional investments, and parts of ourselves tied to the relationship. The emotional turbulence after a breakup—sadness, anger, confusion, anxiety—mirrors the stages of grief associated with death.
Unfortunately, society doesn’t always recognize the legitimacy of this grief. Phrases like “you’ll get over it” or “move on” can pressure individuals to suppress their emotions, potentially worsening them over time. In therapy, it’s crucial to normalize the grief process associated with breakups and create space for clients to feel and process their emotions without judgment. Grieving a relationship is complex and nonlinear—there is no “right” way to feel.
Recognizing a breakup as a form of grief can help individuals move through it more self-compassionately. This shift in perspective validates the confusing and varied emotions that arise post-breakup.
The Social Impact: Rebuilding Identity
An intimate relationship doesn’t just bond us to another person; it also reshapes how we see ourselves. Our sense of identity becomes intertwined with our partner. The intimacy of sharing private thoughts, vulnerabilities, and experiences changes how we understand ourselves. When a relationship ends, it can feel disorienting—like a piece of our identity has been ripped away. Questions such as “Who am I without them?” and “What did I enjoy before we met?” are common as we struggle to reestablish our identities.
This identity crisis isn’t exclusive to romantic breakups. It can arise during any major life transition—leaving a job, relocating, or experiencing significant changes. However, breakups can intensify this sense of disorientation because of the deep emotional and often physical vulnerability involved. Rebuilding a sense of self is a crucial, yet usually tricky, part of the breakup recovery process.
For many, this phase feels particularly jarring because it requires rediscovery and reinvention. Understanding that this is part of a larger psychological process of ego rebuilding can bring comfort, helping individuals make sense of the upheaval.
A Holistic Approach to Breakups
Viewing breakups through the lens of these biological, psychological, and social factors provides a more comprehensive framework for understanding why the experience can feel so painful and confusing. By considering the physical withdrawal, grief, and identity shifts happening concurrently, mental health professionals can better support clients moving through the aftermath of a breakup.
Ways to Support Yourself Post-Breakup:
- Be kind to yourself. A breakup is a significant life event, and self-compassion is key.
- Seek support. Talking to a therapist or trusted individual can help you process complex feelings.
- Educate yourself. Resources like podcasts and books, including those by breakup expert Amy Chan, can provide helpful insights.
- Reconnect with joy. Engage in activities that bring happiness and remind you of who you are outside the relationship.
- Rebuild your identity. Give yourself time and space to rediscover what makes you feel like you.
- Breathe. Simple mindfulness practices can help ground you in the moment.
Final Thoughts
Understanding breakups through biological, psychological, and social perspectives can help demystify the painful emotions that come with relationship endings. By gaining awareness of these factors, individuals and therapists can work more effectively to support recovery and growth during this challenging time.
Helpful tools and resources:People:Amy Chan (relationships and breakups expert)@breakupbootcampWebsite: www.amy_chan.comBook: Breakup Bootcamp The Science of Rewiring Your HeartArticles:
Related Posts
