How Object Permanence Affects Relationships in People with ADHD

Understanding Object Permanence in the Context of ADHD

Object permanence is the ability to understand that people, objects, and responsibilities continue to exist even when they’re not directly in front of us. While it’s a skill that typically develops in early childhood, many adults with ADHD continue to struggle with it due to challenges with working memory and sustained attention. For them, out of sight can genuinely mean out of mind—not from lack of care, but because their brains are wired to focus on what’s immediate and visible.

This struggle with object permanence doesn’t just lead to misplaced keys or forgotten appointments—it can deeply affect relationships. A partner who isn’t physically present may feel emotionally distant or even forgotten, despite the ADHD partner still caring deeply. Over time, this emotional gap can create misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and a sense of growing apart, especially if the non-ADHD partner interprets the disconnect as rejection.

In more serious cases, this disconnect can lead to impulsive behaviors, including infidelity or emotional acting out. The lack of a felt connection in the moment, combined with ADHD-related impulsivity and a drive for stimulation, can create situations where someone seeks closeness elsewhere, not out of malice, but from a disorganized sense of emotional presence. Understanding this dynamic is crucial for couples navigating ADHD together, as it opens the door to greater empathy, communication, and healing.

What This Looks Like in Relationships

This cognitive gap can have a surprisingly deep emotional impact. For the partner of someone with ADHD, it may feel like they’re being forgotten or pushed aside, especially during times of physical distance or emotional withdrawal. A partner might wonder, “How can they just forget to check in?” or “Why do I only feel seen when I’m in front of them?” or “Do they still care about me or find me attractive?”

From the ADHD partner’s perspective, they might not even realize they’re creating this distance. Their intentions are loving and genuine, but their ability to consistently express that love, especially when distracted by work, stress, or other stimuli, can be inconsistent. This mismatch in experience can lead to miscommunication, resentment, or feelings of abandonment on both sides. This often grows into larger issues like poor communication and/or feeling unappreciated/undervalued.

When Object Permanence Issues Lead to Deeper Cracks

In some cases, challenges with object permanence go beyond emotional disconnection and can lead to impulsive behaviors, including sexual acting out or infidelity. ADHD is closely linked to difficulties with impulse control, and when this is combined with a tendency to “emotionally forget” the significance of a relationship when a partner isn’t physically present, it can create a perfect storm. This risk is often heightened in relationships where one or both partners travel frequently, work irregular/long hours, or are preoccupied with caregiving responsibilities, making a consistent emotional connection even harder to maintain.

Someone with ADHD may struggle to hold the emotional presence of their partner in moments of temptation or stress, especially if that relationship feels distant at the time. This doesn’t excuse infidelity, but it does help explain why some people with ADHD find themselves making decisions that seem wildly out of sync with their actual values or intentions.

Sexual impulsivity in ADHD can also be linked to the brain’s constant search for stimulation. If a person with ADHD is feeling emotionally disconnected, especially during periods where object permanence issues are at play, they may be more vulnerable to seeking that connection or stimulation elsewhere (porn, dating apps, online chat rooms, old flames, etc.), often in ways that are self-sabotaging or regretted later.

Repairing the Disconnect

Fortunately, awareness of how ADHD affects object permanence can help both partners navigate these challenges with more empathy and strategy. Open, honest conversations about how your brain works—and how your partner experiences that—can lay the groundwork for better emotional safety.

For the partner without ADHD, it’s important to know that forgetfulness isn’t always a sign of not caring. It might be more accurate to say it’s a sign of how the ADHD brain prioritizes and holds information. For the partner with ADHD, recognizing these tendencies can be empowering. Instead of falling into shame or guilt, there’s an opportunity to use practical tools like reminders, structured routines, and open communication to reinforce the emotional presence of a partner, even when they’re not physically there.

Mitigating object permanence challenges in a relationship starts with creating intentional structures that keep emotional connection alive, even during physical or mental distance. Planning regular check-ins—whether through daily texts, weekly video calls, or recurring date nights—can help both partners feel seen and remembered. Shared hobbies that meet on a consistent schedule, like a running club, pottery class, or surfing lessons, provide a built-in rhythm of togetherness and give the relationship something to look forward to. For deeper reconnection, practices like sensate focus or other guided intimacy exercises can reestablish emotional and physical closeness every few days, reinforcing the presence and importance of one another in a tangible, mindful way. These rituals don’t just fill in the gaps—they build a lasting sense of emotional continuity. 

Therapy can help both partners (individually and together) feel more connected and intentional in how they show up for each other.

The Takeaway: Presence Is a Practice

Loving someone with ADHD means understanding that emotional presence might look different, but it doesn’t have to mean disconnection. And if you’re the one with ADHD, your brain might be wired to forget what isn’t directly in front of you, but your heart isn’t. With the right supports, self-awareness, and a commitment to growth, object permanence doesn’t have to define your relationship. It can be just another piece of the puzzle you work through together. 

If you’re looking for some extra help navigating the intricacies of ADHD, reach out for support! We have several clinicians on our team who specialize in this area.