Grief is one of the most universal yet uniquely personal experiences we go through. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a major life transition, everyone grieves in their own way. One helpful framework for understanding how we process grief comes from the work of Dr. Kenneth Doka and Dr. Terry Martin, who introduced the concepts of intuitive and instrumental (often referred to as intellectual) grief styles. Recognizing your own grief pattern can be an important first step in healing.

What Is Intuitive Grief?

People with an intuitive grief style primarily experience and express grief through emotions. This may manifest as crying easily, feeling overwhelmed by waves of sadness or anger, or experiencing physical symptoms such as fatigue, nausea, changes in appetite, and/or headaches. For example, someone who loses a parent might find themselves bursting into tears while looking at old photos or hearing a certain song, feeling a heavy weight in their chest, or needing frequent emotional support from loved ones.

Intuitive grievers often seek connection to process what they are feeling. They may benefit from support groups, therapy sessions, and journaling as a way to move through their emotions. They tend to process loss internally and externally, needing space to feel deeply and be seen in that vulnerability.

What Is Intellectual (Instrumental) Grief?

Intellectual grief, or what Dr. Doka refers to as instrumental grief, is more cognitive and task-oriented. People with this style are likely to focus on facts, practicalities, or problem-solving. For instance, after the loss of a spouse, an intellectual griever might spend their energy on organizing the memorial, managing finances, or researching stages of grief, while feeling disconnected from their own emotional pain.

Rather than expressing sadness outwardly, they may appear composed or even unaffected. But this does not mean they are not grieving. Their coping style leans more toward doing rather than feeling. These individuals may benefit from tools like structured journaling, psychoeducation about grief, or activities that give them a sense of control or accomplishment while they slowly build trust in expressing their emotions.

How Grief Shows Up Differently

Grief is not always about tears. Some people might avoid certain places because they are emotionally triggering. Others might feel physically unwell, develop anxiety, or struggle with sleep and appetite. For intuitive grievers, grief might look like withdrawing from social life, crying frequently, or feeling emotionally flooded. For intellectual grievers, it might involve restlessness, irritability, overworking, or avoiding emotional conversations altogether.

Grief also changes over time. Someone who is initially an intellectual griever may become more emotionally expressive later, and vice versa. Many people experience a blend of both styles, depending on the relationship, the nature of the loss, and their life circumstances.

Author of and death doula, Alua Arthur, says, “At every step in our path, some possibilities die behind us while others bloom before us, and in every transition, even the joyful ones, there is grief.”

How to Ask for Help Based on Your Grief Style

If you are an intuitive griever, you might already feel the urge to talk, cry, or be held. But asking for help can still feel difficult, especially if you worry about burdening others. You might say something like, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and could use someone to sit with me,” or “I don’t need solutions, I just need to talk.” Sharing your grief with a therapist or joining a support group can help you feel less alone and more supported.

If you are an intellectual griever, asking for help might feel unfamiliar or unnecessary at first. You might not feel the emotions strongly yet, or you may believe you should “handle it” on your own. In this case, it can be helpful to reach out by saying, “I’ve been keeping busy, but I think I need to talk,” or “I don’t feel much yet, but I want to understand what’s going on inside.” Therapy can provide a safe, structured space to begin exploring those internal layers, even if you’re not ready to fully feel them yet.

How to Take Care of Yourself Based on How You Grieve

If you are an intuitive griever, self-care means allowing space for your emotions. This might include:

Journaling about your memories and feelings
Talking regularly with trusted friends or a therapist
Engaging in creative outlets like drawing, music, or poetry
Taking gentle walks, practicing yoga, or doing body scans to connect with your physical experience
Creating rituals to honor your loss, such as lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, or making a memory box

If you are an intellectual griever, self-care might include:

Reading books or articles about grief and loss to better understand what you are going through
Setting small, achievable goals each day to maintain a sense of purpose
Making lists or organizing tasks to channel energy productively
Using structured journaling prompts to begin naming your experience
Slowly experimenting with emotional expression through therapy, mindfulness, or movement

No matter your grief style, it is important to give yourself grace. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and healing is not a straight line. Whether you feel everything at once or nothing at all, your experience is valid.

When to Reach Out for Support

If you are struggling with grief and don’t know where to start, our team of therapists is here to help. We provide grief-informed care and understand the many ways loss can impact your life, identity, relationships, and daily functioning. Whether your grief feels intuitive, intellectual, or somewhere in between, we are committed to helping you find your path to healing.

You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to schedule a consultation with one of our therapists who specialize in grief and loss. We are here to walk alongside you, wherever you are in your process.

Shannon Fennell

Shannon is a therapist here at Riviera Therapy. She takes an integrative approach rooted in early attachment and emotional patterns. A Certified Sex Therapy Informed Professional (CSTIP), she is trained in the Gottman Method and EMDR, and works with individuals, couples, and families navigating a wide range of issues including adoption, trauma, relationships, identity, and neurodiversity. With an international background and a commitment to inclusivity, Shannon creates a compassionate, non-judgmental space for healing and growth.