Considering Adoption? Read These Books.

Adoption is a deeply complex and nuanced experience for everyone involved, often shaped by a multitude of perspectives and emotions. In the early 2000s, there was a big romanticization of adoption, inspired by celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Creating a mixed family that brings together different cultures and experiences became appealing to many. However, for adoptees and birth parents (and adoptive parents for that matter), the reality of adoption is far from glamorous.

Adoption is unlike any other experience. It can be incredibly difficult for both adoptees and birth parents to discuss, as these conversations often come with judgment, preconceived notions, and intrusive questions. Yet for adoptive parents, there’s often a different narrative. The media tends to either highlight the tragic cases or celebrate the savior narrative but rarely captures the countless complex realities that lie in between. Adoption is a sensitive topic, and there’s even a term that captures the difficulty of discussing it: exulansis. This describes “the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness…”

Given that each person’s experience of adoption is unique, it’s no surprise that society holds a wide range of opinions and beliefs on the subject. Finding common ground in such a contentious and emotionally charged area can seem like a difficult task. That’s why I’ve compiled this reading list—not to reflect my own views, but to offer a range of resources for those interested in better understanding adoption. These books have been recommended during my training and have come up time and time again throughout my work with clients. They offer a range of perspectives that can help those considering adoption, as well as those affected by it, make informed decisions and gain a deeper understanding of the topic.

For transparency, I’ve listed the books in alphabetical order, with no intention of showing any preference or bias. The goal here is simply to offer a helpful, balanced selection of reading material. For transparency, I’ve listed the books in alphabetical order, with no intention of showing any preference or bias. The goal here is simply to offer a helpful, balanced selection of reading material. When considering adoption, the importance of attachment in parenting cannot be overstated. Building strong, healthy attachments is crucial in the journey of adoptive parenting, fostering secure and loving relationships.

1. 1. Adoption Unfiltered: Revelations from Adoptees, Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents, and Allies: Authors Sara Easterly (adoptee), Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard (birth parent), and Lori Holden (adoptive parent) interview a wide range of individuals—adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, social workers, and therapists—to discuss the challenges in adoption. Their goal is to foster healing by encouraging truth, transparency, and collaboration among all involved. The book highlights the emotional effects of separation trauma on adoptees and reveals that birth parents and adoptive parents also experience their struggles. Through candid conversations, the authors show the importance of empathy and curiosity in supporting adoptees and their families.
   2. Emotional Inheritance: A Therapist, Her Patients, and the Legacy of Trauma: Galit Atlas explores how family secrets, intergenerational trauma, and epigenetics affect our potential and create barriers to what we want in life. By weaving together her patients’ stories, her own experiences, and years of research, Atlas helps us recognize the impact of how unhealed trauma can be passed down through generations. 
   3. Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity: Andrew Solomon argues that difference, rather than sameness, is at the heart of the human experience and that it’s what unites us. He examines families coping with various challenges, including deafness, autism, Down syndrome, criminal behavior, and transgender identity, showing how these struggles often lead to universal experiences of love and acceptance. Solomon delves into the essential parenting question of how much parents should accept their children as they are versus helping them become their best selves. Drawing from ten years of research and interviews with over 300 families, the book highlights the power of love in overcoming prejudice. With compassion and insight, Solomon explores how families must navigate the struggle to accept one another, a theme that resonates in every family’s life.
   4. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma: Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading trauma expert, explores how trauma reshapes both the body and brain, affecting one’s ability to experience pleasure, engage, and trust. Drawing on over three decades of work with survivors and recent scientific advances, he discusses how trauma impacts people’s lives and presents innovative treatments, such as neurofeedback, meditation, and yoga, to promote recovery. The book highlights the healing potential of relationships and offers hope for reclaiming lives from the effects of trauma.
   5. The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child: Nancy Newton Verrier examines the lasting effects of separating infants from their birth mothers (often called separation trauma), describing it as a primal loss that influences adoptees’ relationships throughout their lives. The book explores pre- and perinatal psychology, attachment, and bonding, offering adoptees validation for their feelings and explanations for their behaviors. By addressing coping mechanisms, it provides insight and healing for adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive families, fostering understanding for those affected by adoption.
   6. To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and Transformation: Dr. Frank Anderson, a renowned trauma expert, reveals the painful story of his childhood trauma, including abuse by his father and deep feelings of shame. Despite his success in training clinicians worldwide, his upbringing in a seemingly loving but abusive Italian American home left him feeling like an outsider. After years of therapy and the collapse of his “perfect” life, Dr. Anderson discovers that resilience, forgiveness, and confronting his past are the keys to healing and understanding what it truly means to be loved.
   7. “You Should Be Grateful”: Stories of Race, Identity, and Transracial Adoption: Angela Tucker, a Black woman adopted by White parents, challenges the common microaggression she’s heard throughout her life: that she should be grateful for her adoption. While grateful for many aspects of her life, Tucker reveals the layers of rejection, loss, and complexity that come with being transracially adopted. Through deeply personal stories, historical context, and insights from mentoring adopted youth, she highlights the realities of adoption that go beyond the fairy-tale narrative. Her perspective addresses the effects of racism, classism, family dynamics, and the search for belonging.
   8. What White Parents Should Know about Transracial Adoption: An Adoptee’s Perspective on Its History, Nuances, and Practices: Melissa Guida-Richards helps white parents of transracially or internationally adopted children understand that good intentions and love alone are not enough to address the challenges their children face. Written by a transracial, transnational, and late-discovery adoptee, the book explores the overlooked dynamics of adoption, offering real-life tools to be a more effective parent. Through research, personal stories, and interviews, it covers topics like white privilege, toxic positivity, microaggressions, and how to support a child’s connection to their cultural heritage. It also offers guidance on handling tough conversations, dealing with grief, and understanding how adopted children may experience the world differently.

While all of these books are commonly recommended resources, it’s important to remember that no single book, blog, article, therapist, or any other source is the ultimate adoption resource. They are all tools in one’s toolkit that can offer insight into different perspectives and experiences. It’s essential to take from them what resonates and supports individual growth while leaving behind anything that doesn’t align.

Whether you’re an adoptee, adoptive parent, birth parent, sibling, partner, someone considering adoption, or simply love someone who’s been adopted, and you are seeking a safe, comfortable, and informed place to access support, please feel free to reach out for help. 

Written by Shannon Fennell

Tel: (805) 617-0967‬
Email: Shannon@RivieraTherapy.com