Adoption is a deeply nuanced experience, one that can be nearly impossible to fully grasp unless you’ve lived it yourself. Recently, there has been growing conversation about the adoptee experience, with adoptees increasingly challenging long-held ideas like the expectation of gratitude or the notion that their adoptive families were always the best possible fit. Adoptees often share a wide range of emotions and thoughts about their journeys—emotions that are not always easily understood or validated in society.

Whether you’re an adoptee, an adoptive parent, or someone seeking a better understanding of the emotional and psychological depth of adoption, there are key terms that help illuminate the intricacies of this journey. In this post, I’ll explore six essential adoptee vocabulary words and terms to help you begin to understand the challenges, grief, and questions that often accompany adoption. These terms, grounded in both research and lived experiences, offer a richer perspective on the emotional landscape of adoption.

1. Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief refers to a type of grief that is not openly acknowledged or supported by society. For adoptees, this grief often manifests as a loss that may not be publicly recognized or validated. Adopted individuals may grieve the loss of their birth family, cultural (and/or racial) identity, or the life they could have had in their biological family, yet this grief is often overlooked or minimized because adoption is seen as a “happy” event.

The concept of disenfranchised grief helps us understand why adoptees might struggle with feelings of sadness or loss without the validation or support that others might receive in similar situations. Acknowledging disenfranchised grief is crucial for mental and emotional well-being and is an important term for anyone involved in the adoption process to understand.

2. Ambiguous Loss (Pauline Boss)

The term “ambiguous loss” was coined by Dr. Pauline Boss to describe a type of loss that lacks closure or clear boundaries. It is the kind of loss where the person is physically present or alive but emotionally absent or vice versa. For adoptees, ambiguous loss often arises from being separated from their birth families. While the birth family may still exist in some capacity, the adoptee may never have direct access to them, creating emotional uncertainty and significant feelings of loss.

Adoptees may live with this kind of “half-loss,” where they feel they have lost something they can never fully grieve or recover. Dr. Boss’s work on ambiguous loss provides valuable insights into the emotional and psychological experiences of adoptees, helping to frame their feelings of longing and grief.

3. Ghost Kingdom

The concept of the “ghost kingdom” refers to the invisible and unrealized world that adoptees may mentally construct or imagine around their birth families. This metaphorical kingdom represents the imagined life and family that could have been, but never was. It exists as a powerful and often unattainable vision in the minds of adoptees, who may wonder what their lives would have been like if they had stayed with their birth families. This is especially pertinent for transracial*, transnational, and transcultural adoptees.

The ghost kingdom can be a place of both hope and sorrow. It allows adoptees to fantasize about a different version of their lives, but it can also bring feelings of loss and grief as they recognize that this alternate reality is unreachable.

*To learn more about the considerations and impacts of transracial adoption, check out Pact – An Adoption Alliance.

4. Liminality

Liminality refers to the transitional state between two different phases or identities. For adoptees, this concept is particularly relevant as they often live in a state of “in-between” — between two families, between two cultures, and between two identities. This transitional phase is neither fully here nor fully there, making it a disorienting experience.

Adoptees experience liminality in various ways, such as being raised in one cultural context while having roots in another. Again, this is prevalent in transracial, transnational, and transcultural adoptions. This creates a sense of being “in-between” both physically and emotionally. Understanding liminality can help adoptees, as well as those who support them, better navigate this convoluted space.

5. Adoptee Guilt

Adoptee guilt is a common emotion experienced by many adoptees, where they feel responsible for the emotional pain or suffering of either their birth family or their adoptive family. This guilt can take various forms, such as feeling responsible for being “given up” for adoption or believing they owe their adoptive family something in return for their love and care.

In some cases, adoptees may feel guilty if their birth family placed them for adoption but not their other children. This guilt can be particularly strong if the adoptee’s birth siblings remain in difficult situations, such as experiencing abuse, neglect, or a lack of resources or support. The adoptee may feel torn between their own life and the fate of their siblings left behind.

Adoptee guilt can lead to self-blame and self-doubt, as adoptees may struggle to reconcile their feelings of gratitude with the perceived loss they’ve experienced. It is important for both adoptees and their support systems to understand that this guilt is often a result of complex emotions and that it’s okay to seek support in managing it.

6. Primal Wound (Nancy Verrier)

The “Primal Wound” is a term coined by Nancy Verrier in her groundbreaking book, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child. This concept refers to the deep psychological wound that adoptees carry due to the separation from their birth mothers at an early age. According to Verrier, this early trauma creates a sense of loss and disconnection that can affect the adoptee’s ability to bond, trust, and form healthy relationships throughout their life.

The primal wound is rooted in the infant’s early experiences and the trauma of being separated from their birth mother, which can leave a lasting imprint on their emotional and psychological development. Understanding the primal wound helps adoptive parents, adoptees, and those supporting them recognize the long-term effects that early separation can have on adoptees and underscores the importance of providing emotional support during all stages of the adoption journey.

Conclusion

Adoption is a unique experience that affects every individual differently. The six terms we’ve discussed — disenfranchised grief, ambiguous loss, ghost kingdom, liminality, adoptee guilt, and the primal wound — offer a deeper understanding of the emotional complexity of adoption. Understanding these terms not only helps those directly involved in adoption but also contributes to a broader societal understanding of the lifelong impact adoption can have. If you are an adoptee or someone who loves an adoptee and feel you could use support in navigating the complexities of adoption, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Shannon Fennell

Shannon is a therapist here at Riviera Therapy. She takes an integrative approach rooted in early attachment and emotional patterns. A Certified Sex Therapy Informed Professional (CSTIP), she is trained in the Gottman Method and EMDR, and works with individuals, couples, and families navigating a wide range of issues including adoption, trauma, relationships, identity, and neurodiversity. With an international background and a commitment to inclusivity, Shannon creates a compassionate, non-judgmental space for healing and growth.